Consensual Sex at Harvard

When I was at Harvard, one of the weekly Christian Impact meetings brought in people from the college to talk about sexual harassment and assault. They talked about the problems with college atmospheres today and in particular, ways to cultivate a “culture of consent” when it came to sex. We then tried to see how our faith interacted with these issues through discussion.

The topic was heavy in itself, but something else about the discussion made me uncomfortable. I felt like we were spending the entire discussion trying to prove to the college representatives that we, too, cared about people, were tolerant of people’s choices, and wanted to provide support. We, too, cared about cultivating respect among our peers. We were, in fact, so focused on making sure we didn’t sound judgmental that we never really got around to discussing the real problems. I shall say now what I should have said then: we don’t need a culture of consent. We need a culture of commitment.

A culture of consent, you see, is getting it backwards. It isn’t concerned with the other person’s good; it is concerned with checking a box before I get what I want. It is the mindset of doing the minimum required to respect another person’s autonomy instead of genuinely caring for another person and looking for their best interests. It is a consumer mindset, where stealing something is wrong, but as long as both parties agree to the exchange it’s okay, no matter how much one or both get hurt afterwards.

Except that intimacy, and sexual intimacy in particular, isn’t a product. It is an immensely powerful way of connecting with another person, and when we twist that power for our own pleasure, with no intention of committing to a long-term relationship, we disrespect ourselves and our partners. It is not enough to check a box before you give your instincts full reign; it is not enough to make sure another person says yes before you use him or her for your pleasure, practice, or stress relief. They deserve better than that. And so do you.

Casual sex and respect cannot coexist in a relationship. I say again, casual sex and respect cannot coexist in a relationship. Now, I don’t mean obvious disrespect or abuse; I mean a mindset that puts my desires before another person’s good. Every human, male or female, virgin or prostitute, is a priceless, beautiful, phenomenal being, and each one of us deserves your full commitment if they are to offer you the deepest and most vulnerable level of intimacy known to man. To allow them to sell themselves short for your convenience is devaluing, unloving, and unethical. Marriage isn’t about the rings. It’s not about the cake, or the license, or the honeymoon, or even the declarations of love and living arrangements. It’s about a promise. Consent is necessary, but it’s not enough. If you have sex, even if married, without that promise, you’re not doing it right.

The epidemic of sexual assault and harassment on college campuses is deeply intertwined with drinking and hook-up culture. Our college culture promotes a consumer mindset toward sex, encouragement of sexual provocativeness over beauty, and drinking for the sole purpose of loss of inhibition (aka self-control). When this atmosphere combines with the hormonal and maturity levels of the average college student, sometimes the ‘say yes’ box isn’t enough. When I am concerned with my wishes over your emotional well-being, the relationship is primed for abuse. To be clear, I’m not saying that the gray zone will always cross the line, but I think this mindset is contributing more than we give it credit for. And I think we’re ignoring the problem and treating the symptoms.

I know why we’re ignoring the problem. I know that it’s very unfashionable to tell people they need to limit their sex lives – that much power and vulnerability in one place makes the subject a very touchy one – but this mindset is hurting people. I’m not suggesting we prohibit anything, but could we at least point out the problem? How long are we going to stand by and do nothing because we don’t want to have these uncomfortable conversations?

 “Widener library – Harvard” by Sarah B Brooks is licensed under CC BY 2.0